I Could Swear I Just Heard A Mountain Lion

While Trojan and Kevin argued over which way the trail went, Pinky fretted.  Kevin said he used to be a boy scout, where he had learned to be an expert at map-reading.  Trojan fired back and asked if he was such a pro, then why had they gotten lost in the first place?  Pinky thought all the arguing was not going to get them home any sooner.  Why had nobody brought a cell phone?  Communing with nature and getting away from society was all well and good and everything until you were in desperate need of some GPS.  As the boys continued to debate among themselves, Pinky heard the ominous sounds of branches snapping and low-pitched growling.  Oh God, they were going to die out here…

Not-So-Secret After All

Secret Santa givers were supposed to be a mystery.  Kevin could tell immediately by the shitty wrap job and pathetic bow that his gift was from Peanut.  Everybody knew the monkey couldn’t decently wrap a present to save his life.

It’s the thought that counts.  Merry Christmas, everyone!

This Is What Happens When You Domesticate Wild Animals

Well, this certainly was embarrassing.  Taking a leisurely walk in the country, Kevin had been struck by the sudden urge to climb a tree and experience that sense of freedom and adventure he’d always gotten when he was a kid.  Now he was stuck.  What would be worse?  To call one his friends to help him out, and have them laugh mercilessly at his plight, or to jump and hope he didn’t break any limbs?  Oh, what a predicament.  The next time this cursed tree-climbing urge struck, he was going to have to remember that he was no young cub anymore.  That childlike sense of freedom and adventure?  Best left to the children, he thought.

Because Nobody Ever Wants To Suck At Karaoke

Aldo had convinced Kevin to go out with him to karaoke night at the Japanese sake bar up the street.  Planning to wow the crowd with their rousing duet on “Under Pressure,” Kevin had been listening to the song on repeat all day, trying to perfect the Bowie part.  There was no way he could do Freddie Mercury without embarrassing himself, unless he wore really tight pants, so he was leaving the high parts to Aldo.  He was pretty sure he had his own part down, but he would listen to the song a couple more times, just to be on the safe side. 

May The Force Be With You

Look, you cannot use the excuse that Ewan McGregor is in it, and you’re both Scottish, and you have to stick with your countrymen, blah, blah, blah.  I don’t love Kylie Minogue just because I’m Australian, do I?  Just admit it.  You’re a huge dork and you love Star Wars, even the crappy new movies.

Poker Night

Most of the guys had never heard of any of the poker games Tim wanted to play.  “Smack the Bishop”?  “Chase The Lady ‘Round The Ol’ Oak Tree”?  “Fishes Wild?”  Whatever happened to good old Texas Hold’em or five card stud?  Unfortunately, Tim was the only one of them who had a poker set and a big enough apartment for them to all get together in, so they had to play what he wanted, even if everybody was convinced he just made the games up as he went along.

Pub Quiz

Ok, fine, so technically there were only four members to a team, but Tim and the others were convinced that that other team (who called themselves “Doctor Google,” the cocky bastards) were also cheating.  Porko Puerco and Kevin had both seen the other team’s members using their cell phones in the middle of the quiz, which was strictly forbidden.  Plus, one of  Doctor Google’s members was good friends with the bartender, who wrote the questions every week, and Tim was pretty sure that they were getting answers ahead of time.  If it so happened that Tim and the other members of Team Fuzzypants ever won the quiz, well, they’d deal with the consequences of having five members then.  Until that day, though, they would just drink their pints and try to expose Doctor Google’s cheating ways.

They Must Put Crack In The Coffee

Seriously, don’t even try talking to me until I’ve gotten this whole beverage in me. I was up late last night and I’m going to be Mr. Crankypants until I’ve caffeinated. A double-shot skinny dry cappuccino with sugar-free hazelnut syrup always does wonders for my mood.

No Hellraiser, Either

I don’t care if that is your favorite movie, I let you be in charge of the DVD player for Halloween.  Tomorrow is Christmas, and I say we watch Elf.

Dreading the 86 Downtown

Kevin really hated taking the bus.  It was always late, and when it did get there, inevitably the only seat left would be next to some crazy person talking to his mittens and smelling of Limberger cheese.  Once, a horrible, stinky, fat lady fell asleep on him and drooled on his shoulder.  Ugh.  He really, really hated the bus.