The World Hates Short People

The photo booth’s instructions said to adjust the stool height to camera level.  The stool was helpfully marked with arrows so that you knew to rotate it clockwise to move down, and counter-clockwise to move up.  It was only after the guys had put their two dollars in the machine that they discovered the stool was stuck.  Four blank pictures later, they were understandably peeved.

USA! USA! USA!

In the hours leading up to the much-hyped USA v. England match, Alistair tried to explain the offsides rule to his American friends, who didn’t appear to know or care that much about football (oh, ahem, excuse me, they call it “soccer” here).  He didn’t really know why he bothered.  What was the point of teaching them the subtle nuances of a game they were just going to forget about after World Cup for the next four years, anyway?  England was going to crush these uncultured former colonists.

Never Trust Someone Who Bleeds For A Week And Doesn’t Die

In one breath, Ellie had told Percy that she was pretty sure her boss at work hated her because he promoted Lizzie in sales even though she hadn’t been working at the company as long, she was probably sleeping with him, that bitch, and that her refrigerator was on the fritz and she’d probably have to go home and eat all the ice cream in the freezer before it melted, even though that would only make her fatter than she already was, God, she felt like such a cow these days, and how her mother had been telling her over the phone how cute her sister’s new baby was and well, wasn’t her sister lucky, she herself would probably never find anybody to love her and give her babies, not when she was such an ugly heifer, and she just didn’t understand what was wrong with herself today, all she really wanted was a hug, no, not from you, Percy, get away me from you opportunistic beady-eyed little perv.  Holy crap, Percy thought.  He hadn’t realized that a friendly “Hello, neighbor, how are you?” in the hallway was such a volatile question. Ellie was not usually this unhinged.  It must be her time of the month, he reasoned.

There’s Still No Excuse For Battlefield Earth

I’m telling you, it’s a cult.  They get pretty people like Tom Cruise and Kirstie Alley to be unofficial spokespeople, and then when they think you’re interested, they won’t tell you exactly what’s going on, so you are curious and have to buy their book.  I mean, nobody would join if they just had a normal spiel like the Mormons, but I guess everyone figures, “Hey, I just spent money on this crappy L. Ron Hubbard book, I might as well get my money’s worth out of this thing.”  Sheesh.

This Is Not My Idea Of A Fun Saturday

When Mr. Octopus suggested they spend their afternoon doing a puzzle, Tim and Percy had both thought it was a fun idea.  They had also figured that it wouldn’t take too long, seeing as Mr. Octopus had eight hands and must be very efficient at these sorts of things.  He wasn’t.  He sucked, actually.  “Hmm, I wonder if this blue piece attaches to this other blue piece?” he kept saying, testing out random connections.  God, this was going to take forever.  As soon as Mr. Octopus went to the bathroom, Tim was going to grab Percy and split. 

Besides, I Want The Space For Myself

Percy could see a meter maid approaching in the distance, and the poor bastard who had parked at this meter had run out of time.  He wondered if he should do his good deed for the day and feed a quarter into the meter, saving a stranger a parking ticket, or if he should just do nothing.  Looking closer at the car, however, he noticed it had spinning rims, a spoiler, and one of those decals of Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbes) peeing.  He hated those decals.  He pocketed his quarters and walked away.  Someone should fine this guy for bad parking and bad taste, he thought.

Percy Notices Expiration Date, Nearly Expires

So do I take it it’s time to get rid of the milk?

Poker Night

Most of the guys had never heard of any of the poker games Tim wanted to play.  “Smack the Bishop”?  “Chase The Lady ‘Round The Ol’ Oak Tree”?  “Fishes Wild?”  Whatever happened to good old Texas Hold’em or five card stud?  Unfortunately, Tim was the only one of them who had a poker set and a big enough apartment for them to all get together in, so they had to play what he wanted, even if everybody was convinced he just made the games up as he went along.

I Hate Junk Mail

Bills, bills, bills.  That was all Percy seemed to get in the mail these days.  Oh sure, there was the monthly issue of Playpenguin that he looked forward to, and the occasional letter from his mother (which for some reason always smelled a little fishy), but for the most part it was just the utility bill, the cable bill, the phone bill, the credit card bill…

I… Feel Better Already?*

This will make your cough go away, I promise. Take five lemons, one green apple, three red onions cut in quarters (NOT chopped), one cup of sugar, a lot of cinnamon, and some ginger ale, then cook and reduce into a thick liquid. It’s very important to always use odd numbers: one apple, three onions, five lemons. Never two, never four. Drink the whole thing between now and when you go to sleep tonight, and then don’t drink anything cold tomorrow. Only tea, only hot water. Cold will aggravate the cough. It will work, I guarantee it. My mother in El Salvador used to make this for me. Really, it works.
*Actual reenactment of something that happened to me today…