Happy New Year!

31 12 2009

What?  Dick Clark had a stroke?  In 2004???  Well, who’s hosting New Year’s Rockin’ Eve now?  RYAN SEACREST???


Hey, Hand Me That Loofah

30 12 2009

Oh my God! Get out of here with that camera! I’m naked in here, you pervert! Get out! Out!

I… Feel Better Already?*

29 12 2009

This will make your cough go away, I promise. Take five lemons, one green apple, three red onions cut in quarters (NOT chopped), one cup of sugar, a lot of cinnamon, and some ginger ale, then cook and reduce into a thick liquid. It’s very important to always use odd numbers: one apple, three onions, five lemons. Never two, never four. Drink the whole thing between now and when you go to sleep tonight, and then don’t drink anything cold tomorrow. Only tea, only hot water. Cold will aggravate the cough. It will work, I guarantee it. My mother in El Salvador used to make this for me. Really, it works.
*Actual reenactment of something that happened to me today…


28 12 2009

Puff had just gotten another text message. She felt compelled to answer it, but she’d just gotten a manicure and her claws were still wet. By the time they dried off, she knew she’d have forgotten all about the text, so she debated with herself: Answer it and risk messing up the paint job on her lovely claws, or just forget about it and face the wrath of her shunned friend the next day? In the end, Puff went with shunning the friend. He’d forgive her (probably), and that manicure wasn’t cheap.

My Paws Are Getting Pruny

26 12 2009

This is ridiculous. I’ve been doing dishes for the past hour and a half and I feel like I haven’t made a dent. I’m happy everyone had a good time yesterday, but I’m also happy that Christmas will be at someone else’s house next year. I’m telling you, those bacon and chive mashed potatoes were delicious, but they’re stuck to the bowl like a tongue to a frozen flagpole.
For Ed, who I apologize to for being a bitch to share the kitchen with.

I Love Eggnog. Maybe A Little Too Much.

25 12 2009

The presents had all been opened, the dinner had been eaten, and the out-of-state relatives had all been phoned. For better or worse, with all the mandatory Christmas activities completed, there was nothing left to do but drink all the alcohol in the house. Near midnight, only Amanda, Lucky and Alistair were still conscious. “These Americans,” they said to each other as they clinked their whiskey, “they just can’t hold their liquor.”

Merry Christmas, everybody.

No Hellraiser, Either

24 12 2009

I don’t care if that is your favorite movie, I let you be in charge of the DVD player for Halloween.  Tomorrow is Christmas, and I say we watch Elf.