Class In Session With Professor Nessie

28 02 2010

Please, please, everybody, I am trying to teach you the finer points of scotch tasting, and I would appreciate if you would pay at least a little attention.  You are not going to learn how to detect the subtle peat aromas or the difference in clarity that triple distilling makes if you keep drinking the shots in one gulp.  Please sip gently and note how the different scotches activate different taste buds on various areas of the tongue.  Can you smell that the Islay malts have a much smokier flavor than do the Highlands or the Skyes?  Excuse me, you in the back, did you just order a Jager bomb?  For pete’s sake, I knew this was a bad idea.  I just can’t teach good taste to you uncultured cretins.


As Usual, Tim Is Annoyed

26 02 2010

Why is the elevator taking so f-ing long today???  There is no way in hell I am carrying these groceries up ten flights of stairs, nuh uh, no way, Jose.  Seriously, what is the hold-up?  I’ve been waiting forever.

No Love In This Elevator

24 02 2010

Pinky lived on the second floor of a ten-story apartment building.  There was an unspoken rule that anyone who lived on the second or third floors should take the stairs, leaving the elevator free for those who lived higher.  Any second- or third-floor tenant who rode with an upper-floor tenant risked dirty looks when exiting the elevator, because the higher-ups didn’t like the delay in their ride.  So when Pinky brought her friends over one evening and didn’t see anyone else waiting for the elevator, she took the opportunity to be lazy and catch a rare ride up one floor.  Unfortunately, it seemed that elevator karma had given her a swift kick in the ass, as they just happened to get stuck between the first and second floors.  They’d been stuck for 45 minutes so far, and tensions were running high.  Darlene really had to go to the bathroom, and Ellie was beginning to succumb to an attack of severe claustrophobia.  Plus, Pinky was afraid that when they finally did get out, her upper-floor neighbors would discover that she was the source of the elevator hold-up and unforgivingly shun her at the apartment pool parties come summer.

Percy Notices Expiration Date, Nearly Expires

23 02 2010

So do I take it it’s time to get rid of the milk?

This Never Happened, OK?

21 02 2010

Oh!  Um, hi.  I was just in the closet, um, looking for something.  What?  What purple satiny thing?  Oh, this?  God, it must have fallen off a hanger or something.  And over my head.  Gosh, um, how strange…

Jenny Craig Would Be So Disappointed

19 02 2010

OMG, I did not just eat that entire tray of cookies.  Please tell me I did not just stuff my face with half a pound of butter’s worth of shortbread.  I am going to be so ashamed at weigh-in this week.

Elmo Learns What The Letter “V” Is For

17 02 2010

Elmo was by nature a little nosy, and so when his date was in the bathroom, he peeked into her nightstand.  Holy cow!  This girl was a freak!