The Difference Between Pilates And Pirates Is An “Arrrrgh”

31 05 2010

Puff and Annabella were serious about trying to get in shape, but these core workouts had proven to be a little more challenging than Puff had anticipated.





Where’s Rihanna When You Need Her?

28 05 2010

Larry felt terrible about accidentally breaking Tim’s umbrella, but not so much because of the actual umbrella (which was easily replaced), but because he knew he’d be hearing about it for a long time.  It wasn’t even raining today, but Tim was already complaining about how much this would inconvenience him.  Tim could hold a wicked grudge.  Larry would probably have to buy him a lot of beer to get him to shut up, which would probably end up costing more than the umbrella.





I Also Like Walks In The Rain

26 05 2010

Go ahead, make fun of me.  I’m secure enough in my masculinity to drink pina coladas.





Never Trust Someone Who Bleeds For A Week And Doesn’t Die

24 05 2010

In one breath, Ellie had told Percy that she was pretty sure her boss at work hated her because he promoted Lizzie in sales even though she hadn’t been working at the company as long, she was probably sleeping with him, that bitch, and that her refrigerator was on the fritz and she’d probably have to go home and eat all the ice cream in the freezer before it melted, even though that would only make her fatter than she already was, God, she felt like such a cow these days, and how her mother had been telling her over the phone how cute her sister’s new baby was and well, wasn’t her sister lucky, she herself would probably never find anybody to love her and give her babies, not when she was such an ugly heifer, and she just didn’t understand what was wrong with herself today, all she really wanted was a hug, no, not from you, Percy, get away me from you opportunistic beady-eyed little perv.  Holy crap, Percy thought.  He hadn’t realized that a friendly “Hello, neighbor, how are you?” in the hallway was such a volatile question. Ellie was not usually this unhinged.  It must be her time of the month, he reasoned.





Heeeeeeelp Meeeeeee

21 05 2010

Please get me out of this hellhole.  Have you seen the conditions I have to suffer through?  For every square foot of living space, there are about four of us, and let me tell you, not all of my roommates bathe on a regular basis.  (“Oh, but I’ve licked myself all over.  That’s how we cats clean ourselves.”)  There is absolutely no privacy whatsoever, and there are always children running around screaming their heads off.  I’m telling you, it’s like a jungle in here.  Save me, I beg of you.





I Hope Somebody Remembers They Forgot Me

20 05 2010

Randall had gotten separated from his group at the Museum of Natural History.  He had originally been a little relieved, as it was nice to be away from everyone and have a few moments of relative peace, but as the minutes ticked by and turned into hours, his relief began to turn into anxiety.  Once, in junior high, on a band trip to Disneyland, a kid named Jimmy that Randall knew left their group to go to the first aid station because he wasn’t feeling well, but he hadn’t told anyone where he was going.  It wasn’t until later, at their hotel, that a few kids realized Jimmy’s presence was conspicuously lacking.  Dear God, they had left Jimmy at Disneyland!  Randall sincerely hoped that this would not be a repeat of that notorious incident.  If only he could remember where they were supposed to meet at the end of the day.  Hopefully at least one of his friends would notice his absense and have the decency to come look for him.





Boogerface

17 05 2010

Darlene had spent the entire day lying on the couch blowing her nose and watching reruns of Desperate Housewives on Lifetime.  She hated being sick (doesn’t everyone), but she was especially peeved about all the nose-blowing.  Her nostils were beginning to chafe (those tissues with lotion and aloe made it less bad, but didn’t eliminate the problem entirely), and she really had to wonder where all the snot came from.  No matter how many times she blew out her sinuses, two minutes later there was more snot.  She had to have blown out an entire head’s worth of the stuff by now.  Gross.