Please Don’t Arrest Me

14 05 2010

“Really, Squish, I don’t think this late-night bulldozer joyride is the best idea,” Elmo pleaded.

“Shut it, Elmo,” Mr. Squishy replied.  “Those construction workers were dumb enough to leave the keys lying around for this thing.  They’re just asking for trouble, and I want to give it to them.”

“I might remind you that you don’t have the best record with either the PD or the DMV.  Getting arrested or getting a ticket would be bad for you.  Not to mention the trouble that you’d be in with the missus…”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.  I’ve been well-behaved for the past three years.  That has to count for something.  And the wife never lets me have any fun anymore.  I love her, but a man’s gotta break out once in a while.  We’ll tear around the block once and be back before you know it.  No one has to know.”

“Fine.  You tear around the block.  I’m getting off.  I have a squeaky clean image to uphold, you know.  My peeps back on the Street wouldn’t be too happy to hear about this.”


I Don’t Think This Was What Baggage Scanners Were Intended to Detect

11 05 2010

Airline fees are out of control.  They charge you to check bags now, and I’ve heard that some carriers are thinking about charging fees for carry-ons!  WTF?  There are “fuel surcharges” and crazy taxes and don’t even think about changing your flight unless you want to pay an arm and a leg for it.  A meal included in the price of your cross-country ticket?  Ha!  Dream on.  Thankfully, we here at the H-less Wonder have come up with a solution to your financial air travel woes.  One ticket plus the fee for one checked bag is not as expensive if it’s divided amongst thirty or so of you and your closest friends.  And you’ll sure as hell be even closer by the end of the trip.

I Refuse To Spend Money On A Gift

9 05 2010

Gary, Jerry, Barry, Harry, Terri, and Carrie, in an attempt to do something nice for Mother’s Day, had undertaken the task of completing the household chores, and were currently in the process of folding copious amounts of laundry.  No wonder their mother was tired all the time.  It seemed never ending.  The sock pile alone had kept them occupied for the better part of an hour. 

Deep (Sea) Tissue Massage

7 05 2010

Finally, after months of hard work and a lifetime of dreaming, Larry was beginning to make his goal of becoming a successful massage therapist a reality.  It had taken some time to convince anyone to be his first client, as most people were wary of his impressive claws.  Luckily, many had discovered that behind Larry’s big pinchers, there was a delicate and skilled technique that put them quickly at ease.  Annabella was not the first to succumb to deep relaxation and an almost hypnosis-like submission to his touch.


5 05 2010

It was supposed to be a nice, quiet dinner party with a few friends, but what started out as a pleasant evening with wine and cheese soon turned into a debaucherous melee.  Though it was Cinco de Mayo, the gang proved that it was possible to get totally bombed without Corona and tequila.  Yuengling and sweet tea vodka would do just as well.  In his drunken stupor, Tim vaguely realized that he was going to have quite the mess to clean up in the morning, but decided for once that he would let go and enjoy himself.  He was half Mexican, after all.  Not that anybody knew. 

Thirty-One Flavors, But Only One Favorite

2 05 2010

Many things had changed over the course of Mrs. Poopmonster’s life.  She used to like guys with tattoos, but settled down with one who had no ink.  She once thought she never wanted kids, but now had six of them.  Her favorite color used to be red, and now it was blue.  But despite the fact that the only constant in her life was change, there was one thing that forever remained the same:  From the first time she tasted ice cream as a young hippo, Cherry Jubilee from Baskin-Robbins had been her favorite flavor.  Every time she stood in front of that ice cream counter, there was only one question in her mind:  One scoop or two?