Sun, Sand and Sexy Times

31 08 2012

Puff had forgotten what a bad companion Hula Girl was when they went to the beach.  All she did was ogle the lifeguards and shake her little grass skirt at every board-shorted surfer passing by.  At least it wasn’t as bad as that time that they had “accidentally” wandered on to that nudist beach when they were traveling around Europe.  Hula Girl had been less than discreet about her temporary infatuation with the naked Spaniard sunning himself on the next towel over, while all Puff had noticed were how many UNattractive people there were on the beach.  For fuck’s sake, that old guy’s dangly bits had been nearly down to his knees, and that woman’s nipples were as big as pie plates.  She knew that Europeans had a more liberal mentality when it came to these things, but Puff was quite happy to never go to one of those places again.  Naked ugly people scared her.


Fact: Turpentine Gets Slug Slime Off

18 08 2012

It’s not that SyFy Channel movies are bad.  It’s that they are really bad.  So, so bad.  Terrible.  Stunningly atrocious.  And  yet, somebody is being paid to write this crap.  Repeatedly.  And people keep watching.  Sure, they cancelled My So-Called Life and Arrested Development, but SyFy just keeps pumping out Sharktopus and Rage of the Yeti.  With that in mind, Mr. Octopus has decided that he should have no problem making a mid-life career change and becoming a screenwriter for SyFy.  He is putting the finishing touches on his soon-to-be-breakout television blockbuster, “Were-Slugs: Sidewalk of Terror!”  It might also be called “Blimey!  They’re Slimy!”  He hasn’t decided yet.

Finale:  The UC Santa Cruz cheerleading squad is holding a bikini car wash across the street from a nursing home and a special-needs preschool. The previously sunny sky quickly clouds over. A light warm drizzle starts to fall. The head cheerleader’s skin slowly begins to change from smooth and olive-complected (Mr. Octopus is not sure if “complected” is an actual word) to clammy and lavender-ish. Six of the remaining eleven cheerleaders start to feel similar effects. Across the street, two old ladies take plastic kerchiefs out of their purses and tie them over their carefully-curled white hair while the preschool teacher instructs her pupils that a little rain will not hurt them. With a loud thunderclap, the sky opens up and lashing rain pounds the pavement. The seven cheerleaders are now a deep aubergine color and oozing slime.  No!  How could this happen to them?  They are popular, dammit!  As their killer slug instincts slowly (obviously) take over and they transform into giant purple booger-like creatures, they can’t fight the urge to attack.  Five cheerleader were-slugs inch across the street towards a gaggle of confused seniors and the preschool, where the teacher (Martika, in a cameo role, because every SyFy movie needs an 80’s pop star) is frantically trying to roll tiny wheelchairs up the ramp into the school one by one.  The remaining two were-slugs turn on their fellow cheer-leaders, whose bikini tops at this point magically, and for no good reason, start to fall down.  About an hour later, just before the certain doom of the old folks and the toddlers (the cheerleaders are dead at this point, having been unable to run away in their stilettos), the Navy SEALS helicopter in and start spraying the scene with bullets made of pure salt.  As we see the bullets hit the were-slugs in slow-mo (reeeeeaaaaaalllllly slow-mo), Martika’s classic song “Toy Soldiers” (seriously, she probably needs the money these days) plays over the melee .  [To keep the budget down, we can throw grape Jell-O at the camera for this shot.]  After the grisly slime-bath is over, a single Navy SEAL goes over to the teacher and hands her his last salt bullet.  Covered in ooze, they kiss.  On the ground, a severed were-slug antenna starts to twitch.  Fade out.

There’s Nothing Worse Than An Uneven Tan Line, Except Maybe The Clap

14 08 2012

You’re in my sun.

All I Really Want Is A House And A Car. And Maybe Someone To Drive Me Around In Said Car. Which Will Be A Bentley.

10 08 2012

Sometimes Kermit put in winning numbers, even though they weren’t his, just to see the little winner’s box pop up on the screen and dream of what he would do with the jackpot.  He knew he should have learned his lesson by now and stopped buying lottery tickets, because he did realize that he was basically throwing his money away, but every time he vowed that he would quit next week, he’d win a modest amount and get hooked again.  Winning 10 bucks was still winning, right?  Kermit always said that it wasn’t easy being green, but he imagined it was probably pretty damn easy having a lot of it.

I Might Be Part Magpie Because I Like Shiny Things

7 08 2012

Look at her, Ellie thought bitterly, trying to prance around in those damn sparkly heels.  Yes, Annabella’s shoes were silver and pretty, yes, they perfectly matched the dress that she had bought for the upcoming wedding they were both attending, and yes, they made her calves look thinner, but Ellie could tell that she was having trouble standing upright for any length of time or walking even a short distance.  Ellie surmised that thirty minutes into the wedding reception those shoes would be kicked off under the table for comfort’s sake, or else Annabella would totter around on the dance floor all night and pay for it with terrible blisters.  Ellie surmised also that Annabella would appear tall and fabulous and get all the boys’ attention, while she herself would refuse to suffer in the name of fashion and end up dancing alone.  Ugh.  Between podiatric stability and shagging an available groomsman, she really wasn’t sure which was the better option.