I’m Sure You’ll MacGyver Your Way Out Of This Somehow

16 03 2011

Bungee jumping had been fun.  Too late, however, Bear realized he probably should have had a partner in attendance to pull him up.  Oops.


You Mean This Doesn’t Inspire Fear?

31 10 2010

Bear had worked really hard on his Halloween costume, and was somewhat miffed that he had to constantly explain what he was to people.  He was a jellyfish, goddammit.  More than one of his friends had said that jellyfish were not scary creatures, but Bear begged to differ.  The box jellyfish is the most poisonous creature on the planet.  Isn’t that a frightening fact?  Alistair said the costume was so pink and frilly it looked more appropriate for a gay pride parade than trick-or-treating.  Whatever.  They were all just jealous that he had a kick-ass costume and they hadn’t bothered to dress up at all, the unfestive party-poopers.

I Am Deathtooth The Destructor!

7 07 2010

Mr. Squishy really, really wanted Bear to come with him and participate in his live-action role-playing games.  Well, truth be told, Mr. Squishy wanted anyone to come with him, but Bear was the only friend who would even so much as think about it.  Bear himself was a bit dubious about donning a ridiculous costume and running around in the woods with a plastic sword, figuring it was the first step down the path to total geekdom.  Sure, you start out pretending to swordfight, then the next thing you know,  you’re playing Dungeons and Dragons with bespectacled, lispy teenagers on Saturday nights and building a model Hogwarts in your basement out of popsicle sticks.  He felt bad for Mr. Squishy though, who so badly wanted a friend to play with him.  Alright, Bear conceded, just this once, as long as Mr. Squishy promised never to tell anyone, ever.

I Don’t Think This Was What Baggage Scanners Were Intended to Detect

11 05 2010

Airline fees are out of control.  They charge you to check bags now, and I’ve heard that some carriers are thinking about charging fees for carry-ons!  WTF?  There are “fuel surcharges” and crazy taxes and don’t even think about changing your flight unless you want to pay an arm and a leg for it.  A meal included in the price of your cross-country ticket?  Ha!  Dream on.  Thankfully, we here at the H-less Wonder have come up with a solution to your financial air travel woes.  One ticket plus the fee for one checked bag is not as expensive if it’s divided amongst thirty or so of you and your closest friends.  And you’ll sure as hell be even closer by the end of the trip.

This Never Happened, OK?

21 02 2010

Oh!  Um, hi.  I was just in the closet, um, looking for something.  What?  What purple satiny thing?  Oh, this?  God, it must have fallen off a hanger or something.  And over my head.  Gosh, um, how strange…

Call 1-800-APE-MATE For Live Local Girls In Your Area

5 01 2010

Bear was always annoyed when those late-night commercials for chat lines would come on TV.  Why did advertising execs seem to assume that just because you were watching television during the wee hours that you were a lonely, pathetic bastard?  Bear was fairly certain that any girls who were actually available to talk to were not even half as hot as the girls on the ad.  More likely they were forty-five with a facial hair problem and ten cats.

I’ll Deck YOUR Halls, Buddy

3 12 2009

As Puff hung precariously from the branches of the Christmas tree, she tried to remember the spirit of the holiday season. If Tim didn’t like where she and the monkey put the ornaments, why didn’t he just decorate the damn tree himself?
*for Adrian