I Might Be Part Magpie Because I Like Shiny Things

7 08 2012

Look at her, Ellie thought bitterly, trying to prance around in those damn sparkly heels.  Yes, Annabella’s shoes were silver and pretty, yes, they perfectly matched the dress that she had bought for the upcoming wedding they were both attending, and yes, they made her calves look thinner, but Ellie could tell that she was having trouble standing upright for any length of time or walking even a short distance.  Ellie surmised that thirty minutes into the wedding reception those shoes would be kicked off under the table for comfort’s sake, or else Annabella would totter around on the dance floor all night and pay for it with terrible blisters.  Ellie surmised also that Annabella would appear tall and fabulous and get all the boys’ attention, while she herself would refuse to suffer in the name of fashion and end up dancing alone.  Ugh.  Between podiatric stability and shagging an available groomsman, she really wasn’t sure which was the better option.


There’s Something Different About You Today

18 08 2010

Lately, Ellie hadn’t had time to go shopping.  Normally, she tried to get to the grocery store once every week or so to stock up on essentials, but work had been hell these days and she’d been out of town on the weekends, and she just hadn’t had the time.  She couldn’t put it off any longer, though.  Now she was out of food and shampoo and conditioner.  This morning she’d had to resort to using the shampoo samples out of a magazine she’d found lying around the house.  Unfortunately, it was a men’s magazine, and the stuff she’d used smelled like a pine forest.  Ellie was hoping she could get through the day without anybody noticing that she smelled like a man (a man with good hygiene, but a man nonetheless), but the skeptical way she could feel Reese looking at her led her to believe that she would not be so lucky.  She really needed to get to the store today.

Never Trust Someone Who Bleeds For A Week And Doesn’t Die

24 05 2010

In one breath, Ellie had told Percy that she was pretty sure her boss at work hated her because he promoted Lizzie in sales even though she hadn’t been working at the company as long, she was probably sleeping with him, that bitch, and that her refrigerator was on the fritz and she’d probably have to go home and eat all the ice cream in the freezer before it melted, even though that would only make her fatter than she already was, God, she felt like such a cow these days, and how her mother had been telling her over the phone how cute her sister’s new baby was and well, wasn’t her sister lucky, she herself would probably never find anybody to love her and give her babies, not when she was such an ugly heifer, and she just didn’t understand what was wrong with herself today, all she really wanted was a hug, no, not from you, Percy, get away me from you opportunistic beady-eyed little perv.  Holy crap, Percy thought.  He hadn’t realized that a friendly “Hello, neighbor, how are you?” in the hallway was such a volatile question. Ellie was not usually this unhinged.  It must be her time of the month, he reasoned.


28 04 2010

That’s how many H-less Wonder characters it takes to change a lightbulb.

I Call Them Rhett And Scarlett

16 03 2010

Ellie had heard that people with houseplants had a greater feeling of overall well-being.  She carefully tended to her two plants every day, watering them faithfully, setting them on the sill for part of each afternoon so they could get some sun, and occasionally turning on classical music to stimulate their leafy tendrils.  She felt it was a one-sided relationship, though, because while her plants thrived, she didn’t seem to be any more satisfied or fulfilled than she was before she’d gotten them.

No Love In This Elevator

24 02 2010

Pinky lived on the second floor of a ten-story apartment building.  There was an unspoken rule that anyone who lived on the second or third floors should take the stairs, leaving the elevator free for those who lived higher.  Any second- or third-floor tenant who rode with an upper-floor tenant risked dirty looks when exiting the elevator, because the higher-ups didn’t like the delay in their ride.  So when Pinky brought her friends over one evening and didn’t see anyone else waiting for the elevator, she took the opportunity to be lazy and catch a rare ride up one floor.  Unfortunately, it seemed that elevator karma had given her a swift kick in the ass, as they just happened to get stuck between the first and second floors.  They’d been stuck for 45 minutes so far, and tensions were running high.  Darlene really had to go to the bathroom, and Ellie was beginning to succumb to an attack of severe claustrophobia.  Plus, Pinky was afraid that when they finally did get out, her upper-floor neighbors would discover that she was the source of the elevator hold-up and unforgivingly shun her at the apartment pool parties come summer.

Another Family Portrait Ruined

21 01 2010

Photobombed again!  It seems like every time I get the three of us together to take a picture, Elmo pops out of nowhere and sticks his annoying little orange nose in it.  All I want is one nice picture!  Just one!  Is that too much to ask?  Just one nice picture I can hang over the mantle!