Humor Is The Only Way I Know How To Deal With This

20 01 2017

As Elmo ate his feelings and tried desperately to find something to watch that wasn’t Inauguration-related, he had an epiphany. This whole election debacle wasn’t the result of partisan politics, or Russian hacking, or the willful ignorance of complete and total fuckery by nearly half of the American people. No, it was much simpler than that. Wiping processed cheddar crumbs from his lips and thinking of the Kraft mac and cheese he ate for dinner last night and the Velveeta dip he’d had at that party last week, Elmo realized that Americans love fake orange crap that they know will slowly kill them. This was just the natural but unholy progression of things.

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I Really Don’t Understand Why This Is Popular

26 11 2011

Okay, so he had finally tried this “planking” thing.  Maybe he’d been a little late to hop on the bandwagon, but now that he had tried it, Elmo still didn’t get why people insisted on carrying on this stupid trend.  Oh yay, I can lay flat on things that aren’t meant to be laid on, then I can post the picture on the internet and pretend I’m cool.  Whoop-dee-freakin’-doo.  All Elmo really understood was that this was uncomfortable and he was getting dirty.





This Is A True Story

16 11 2010

Wow!  How long had this drawer been here?  Three years Elmo had lived in this apartment, and never once had he noticed that there was a drawer under the oven!  Was he merely unobservant or was he just an idiot?  Did all stoves have drawers underneath?  Had his previous apartment had one?  There was some metal thing in it, too, presumably for cooking something in the oven.  Did all oven drawers have this piece of metal?  Or had the previous tenant left it there?  What else hadn’t he noticed in his apartment?  Gosh, this just opened up a whole new world of storage options!





Please Don’t Arrest Me

14 05 2010

“Really, Squish, I don’t think this late-night bulldozer joyride is the best idea,” Elmo pleaded.

“Shut it, Elmo,” Mr. Squishy replied.  “Those construction workers were dumb enough to leave the keys lying around for this thing.  They’re just asking for trouble, and I want to give it to them.”

“I might remind you that you don’t have the best record with either the PD or the DMV.  Getting arrested or getting a ticket would be bad for you.  Not to mention the trouble that you’d be in with the missus…”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.  I’ve been well-behaved for the past three years.  That has to count for something.  And the wife never lets me have any fun anymore.  I love her, but a man’s gotta break out once in a while.  We’ll tear around the block once and be back before you know it.  No one has to know.”

“Fine.  You tear around the block.  I’m getting off.  I have a squeaky clean image to uphold, you know.  My peeps back on the Street wouldn’t be too happy to hear about this.”





Elmo Learns What The Letter “V” Is For

17 02 2010

Elmo was by nature a little nosy, and so when his date was in the bathroom, he peeked into her nightstand.  Holy cow!  This girl was a freak!





Another Family Portrait Ruined

21 01 2010

Photobombed again!  It seems like every time I get the three of us together to take a picture, Elmo pops out of nowhere and sticks his annoying little orange nose in it.  All I want is one nice picture!  Just one!  Is that too much to ask?  Just one nice picture I can hang over the mantle!





Happy New Year!

31 12 2009

What?  Dick Clark had a stroke?  In 2004???  Well, who’s hosting New Year’s Rockin’ Eve now?  RYAN SEACREST???