I Will Always Love The Washington Nationals

14 10 2012

Poor Zim, Hula Girl thought.  2012 had been a banner year for the Washington Nationals, finishing the regular season with the best record in baseball and finally bringing some enthusiasm back for the national pastime in the Capital.  To have their season brought to a halt so brutally in the top of the ninth inning of Game 5 of the NLDS was a crushing blow to many, but as the Nats’ first draft pick way-back-when and the unofficial face of the franchise, could there be anybody else who felt the pain as deeply as Ryan Zimmerman?  Hula Girl could see that though he was trying hard to smile, Ryan’s heart was broken.  Come to me, Ryan, she longed to say to him, and let me take away the hurt.  Let me kiss it all better. That she would have kissed him anyway, regardless of whether or not the Nats were still in the playoffs, was neither here nor there.  

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Sun, Sand and Sexy Times

31 08 2012

Puff had forgotten what a bad companion Hula Girl was when they went to the beach.  All she did was ogle the lifeguards and shake her little grass skirt at every board-shorted surfer passing by.  At least it wasn’t as bad as that time that they had “accidentally” wandered on to that nudist beach when they were traveling around Europe.  Hula Girl had been less than discreet about her temporary infatuation with the naked Spaniard sunning himself on the next towel over, while all Puff had noticed were how many UNattractive people there were on the beach.  For fuck’s sake, that old guy’s dangly bits had been nearly down to his knees, and that woman’s nipples were as big as pie plates.  She knew that Europeans had a more liberal mentality when it came to these things, but Puff was quite happy to never go to one of those places again.  Naked ugly people scared her.





But I’m Not Even 30 Yet!

14 08 2010

This was awful.  A couple weeks ago, Puff had found her first gray hair, and now it seemed they were popping up everywhere.  If she started plucking them all out, she’d have no hair left.  If she dyed it, she thought people would be able to tell, which didn’t seem right.  She didn’t know what to do.  Hula Girl tried to make Puff feel better, telling her that it was okay, that the grays weren’t very noticeable, and even if they were, they only made her look more sophisticated.  Easy for her to say, Puff thought.  That bitch never aged.  She was probably going to look the same until they pried that damn ukelele out of her cold, dead hands.





He Wanted More Than Just Getting Lei’d

17 12 2009

Deep in his heart, Percy always knew that it would never work out between him and Hula Girl. She liked chocolate and he was rather partial to vanilla, and every time she visited his family all she could do was complain about the cold. Plus, Percy was ready to settle down and mate for life, and Hula Girl just wanted to focus on her music career. Percy didn’t have the heart to tell her that no ukelele player had ever won American Idol.