Fact: Turpentine Gets Slug Slime Off

18 08 2012

It’s not that SyFy Channel movies are bad.  It’s that they are really bad.  So, so bad.  Terrible.  Stunningly atrocious.  And  yet, somebody is being paid to write this crap.  Repeatedly.  And people keep watching.  Sure, they cancelled My So-Called Life and Arrested Development, but SyFy just keeps pumping out Sharktopus and Rage of the Yeti.  With that in mind, Mr. Octopus has decided that he should have no problem making a mid-life career change and becoming a screenwriter for SyFy.  He is putting the finishing touches on his soon-to-be-breakout television blockbuster, “Were-Slugs: Sidewalk of Terror!”  It might also be called “Blimey!  They’re Slimy!”  He hasn’t decided yet.

Finale:  The UC Santa Cruz cheerleading squad is holding a bikini car wash across the street from a nursing home and a special-needs preschool. The previously sunny sky quickly clouds over. A light warm drizzle starts to fall. The head cheerleader’s skin slowly begins to change from smooth and olive-complected (Mr. Octopus is not sure if “complected” is an actual word) to clammy and lavender-ish. Six of the remaining eleven cheerleaders start to feel similar effects. Across the street, two old ladies take plastic kerchiefs out of their purses and tie them over their carefully-curled white hair while the preschool teacher instructs her pupils that a little rain will not hurt them. With a loud thunderclap, the sky opens up and lashing rain pounds the pavement. The seven cheerleaders are now a deep aubergine color and oozing slime.  No!  How could this happen to them?  They are popular, dammit!  As their killer slug instincts slowly (obviously) take over and they transform into giant purple booger-like creatures, they can’t fight the urge to attack.  Five cheerleader were-slugs inch across the street towards a gaggle of confused seniors and the preschool, where the teacher (Martika, in a cameo role, because every SyFy movie needs an 80’s pop star) is frantically trying to roll tiny wheelchairs up the ramp into the school one by one.  The remaining two were-slugs turn on their fellow cheer-leaders, whose bikini tops at this point magically, and for no good reason, start to fall down.  About an hour later, just before the certain doom of the old folks and the toddlers (the cheerleaders are dead at this point, having been unable to run away in their stilettos), the Navy SEALS helicopter in and start spraying the scene with bullets made of pure salt.  As we see the bullets hit the were-slugs in slow-mo (reeeeeaaaaaalllllly slow-mo), Martika’s classic song “Toy Soldiers” (seriously, she probably needs the money these days) plays over the melee .  [To keep the budget down, we can throw grape Jell-O at the camera for this shot.]  After the grisly slime-bath is over, a single Navy SEAL goes over to the teacher and hands her his last salt bullet.  Covered in ooze, they kiss.  On the ground, a severed were-slug antenna starts to twitch.  Fade out.


The H-Less Wonder Goes to the Washington Auto Show: Cadillac Urban Luxury Concept Edition

15 02 2011

Oooohhhh yeeeaaahhhh.  I’d like to put all eight of my hands all over that baby.  The car’s not bad, either.

How Do You Say “Goddammit” In Dutch?

11 07 2010

Even though Mr. Octopus’ uncle Paul in Germany had predicted Spain to win the World Cup (and Paul was never, ever wrong, that bastard), he himself had been rooting for the Netherlands.  Maybe it was because he went to Amsterdam that one time in college, or maybe it was because he had one beautiful Dutch friend, Wiebke, who he was secretly in love with, or maybe it was because he loved Heineken and hated paella.  It had been a good match in general, but Mr. Octopus felt the referee was totally biased against Holland.  Maybe his girlfriend had run away with a Dutchman and he was taking it out on the team.  Oh well.  Now there was nothing to do but sit on the fire escape, watch the melancholic sunset, and drink himself into a stupor.  Sadly, he didn’t even have any Heineken in the fridge, so he had to settle for an old bottle of wine.  This day sucked.*Dedicated to one Wiebke Van Amsterdam and her family, who showed us such lovely hospitality when we visited so many years ago.

I Also Like Walks In The Rain

26 05 2010

Go ahead, make fun of me.  I’m secure enough in my masculinity to drink pina coladas.

Windows To The Sole

10 04 2010

Gustav and Mr. Octopus had both been told, on separate occasions, that they had beady little eyes, and their feelings were a little bit hurt.  Their eyes didn’t look anything like these little things!

This Is Not My Idea Of A Fun Saturday

3 04 2010

When Mr. Octopus suggested they spend their afternoon doing a puzzle, Tim and Percy had both thought it was a fun idea.  They had also figured that it wouldn’t take too long, seeing as Mr. Octopus had eight hands and must be very efficient at these sorts of things.  He wasn’t.  He sucked, actually.  “Hmm, I wonder if this blue piece attaches to this other blue piece?” he kept saying, testing out random connections.  God, this was going to take forever.  As soon as Mr. Octopus went to the bathroom, Tim was going to grab Percy and split. 

Finding Emo

10 02 2010

Gustav and Mr. Octopus’ band had hit it big with their first single, a punk-rock rendition of the Disney classic “Under the Sea.”  However, they were learning that success came with many challenging questions.  What would their second single be?  (They didn’t want to be one-hit wonders, after all).  Should they or shouldn’t they add a tambourine player to the band?  Should they hire extra security to fend off the crazed groupies?  And, most importantly, how much would they have to pay for custom instruments small enough so that they didn’t have to share one bass guitar?  They didn’t want to repeat that embarrassing incident on SNL when Gustav played an F sharp and Mr. Octopus plucked the wrong string…