There’s Nothing Worse Than An Uneven Tan Line, Except Maybe The Clap

14 08 2012

You’re in my sun.


We Swam With The Fishes

1 07 2010

While cleaning out some drawers in the kitchen, Stego found the waterproof disposable camera he and Nessie had brought along on their vacation to the Bahamas a couple years ago.  Apparently they had forgotten to get the pictures developed when they returned from Nassau, and the camera had been collecting dust ever since.  Stego was pretty sure the pictures were just from snorkeling and hanging out on the beach, but Nessie wasn’t so sure.  Many rum punches had been consumed that week.  Maybe the camera was better off back in the drawer.

Class In Session With Professor Nessie

28 02 2010

Please, please, everybody, I am trying to teach you the finer points of scotch tasting, and I would appreciate if you would pay at least a little attention.  You are not going to learn how to detect the subtle peat aromas or the difference in clarity that triple distilling makes if you keep drinking the shots in one gulp.  Please sip gently and note how the different scotches activate different taste buds on various areas of the tongue.  Can you smell that the Islay malts have a much smokier flavor than do the Highlands or the Skyes?  Excuse me, you in the back, did you just order a Jager bomb?  For pete’s sake, I knew this was a bad idea.  I just can’t teach good taste to you uncultured cretins.

May The Force Be With You

7 02 2010

Look, you cannot use the excuse that Ewan McGregor is in it, and you’re both Scottish, and you have to stick with your countrymen, blah, blah, blah.  I don’t love Kylie Minogue just because I’m Australian, do I?  Just admit it.  You’re a huge dork and you love Star Wars, even the crappy new movies.

Poker Night

2 02 2010

Most of the guys had never heard of any of the poker games Tim wanted to play.  “Smack the Bishop”?  “Chase The Lady ‘Round The Ol’ Oak Tree”?  “Fishes Wild?”  Whatever happened to good old Texas Hold’em or five card stud?  Unfortunately, Tim was the only one of them who had a poker set and a big enough apartment for them to all get together in, so they had to play what he wanted, even if everybody was convinced he just made the games up as he went along.

Locked Out (Again)

12 01 2010

The problem wasn’t that Nessie had forgotten his keys (again).  The problem was that Alistair, Nessie’s roommate, was such a sound sleeper.  Usually, this was a good thing, because Alistair could sleep through Nessie’s alarm clock (Nessie hit the snooze button at least four times every morning), and he didn’t mind when the TV was on late at night.  However, in times like these, when Alistair wasn’t responding to the constant pounding on the door or the ring of his cell phone, Nessie would have gladly traded him for a less well-rested roommate.  It looked like Nessie was going to have to sleep in the hallway (again).

The Library Is No Place For This Sort Of Thing

2 12 2009

Dear me, this is appalling. Any child wandering around the library could just pick up this book and see all these inappropriate pictures. I’m going to report this to the neighborhood parents’ association.  Hmm…  I better just take this home to make sure nobody else is exposed to this smut.