The H-Less Wonder Goes to the Washington Auto Show: Call of Duty: Black Ops Jeep Wrangler Edition

2 02 2011

Once again, Quack’s Napoleon complex was proving exasperating to Porko Puerco.  It seemed that Quack believed it would be a good idea for them to purchase a Jeep Wrangler, and not just any Jeep Wrangler, but a Special Edition Call of Duty: Black Ops Jeep Wrangler.  Porko didn’t even know that there were vehicles designed to go with violent video games, but he certainly knew that they did not need a Jeep.  For one thing, they had nowhere to park it, and for another, neither one of them even had a driver’s license.  Moreover, Porko felt that to own such an unnecessary vehicle in the middle of the city where they lived just indicated that you were a total douchebag.


I Eat A Lot Of Salad

8 08 2010

Porko Puerco loved to eat salad for dinner, and he loved to put a lot of fruit and unusual vegetables in it.  Today, he was going to put apple, peach, strawberries and heart of palm over his favorite red leaf lettuce.  Yummy.  Quack also loved when Porko made salad for dinner, although he hated to help, which was a behavior that Porko decidedly did not love.

Oh God… My Dad Is Going To See This…

26 03 2010

This was hardly what Porko Puerco had in mind when Quack suggested they try new hobbies together.  Still, he had heard somewhere that the key to any good relationship was to be good, giving, and game for anything, so he supposed he couldn’t really say no until he tried it.  Was there a salesperson around here anywhere?  He was definitely going to need a smaller size.

With thanks to the guys at the Leather Rack in Dupont, who have a better sense of humor than their counterparts across the street…

After Risk, This Was The Next Logical Step

4 02 2010

It was only a couple months ago that Quack had started playing World of Warcraft.  On the one hand, Porko Puerco thought that it was $12.99 well spent, since Quack came home every night to get on the computer instead of going out and spending money at the pub.  On the other hand, well, Quack came home every night and got on the computer, and he didn’t do much else.  Sure, money was saved, but at the expense of his social life.  Porko wanted to get his friend back, and he was probably going to have to sabotage his own computer to do it.

Pub Quiz

26 01 2010

Ok, fine, so technically there were only four members to a team, but Tim and the others were convinced that that other team (who called themselves “Doctor Google,” the cocky bastards) were also cheating.  Porko Puerco and Kevin had both seen the other team’s members using their cell phones in the middle of the quiz, which was strictly forbidden.  Plus, one of  Doctor Google’s members was good friends with the bartender, who wrote the questions every week, and Tim was pretty sure that they were getting answers ahead of time.  If it so happened that Tim and the other members of Team Fuzzypants ever won the quiz, well, they’d deal with the consequences of having five members then.  Until that day, though, they would just drink their pints and try to expose Doctor Google’s cheating ways.

Kamchatka Is Mine!

9 01 2010

Quack’s parents had given him Risk for Christmas a couple years ago, but Porko Puerco kept refusing to play with him.  Finally, after months of begging, Porko agreed to give the game a try.  It would be the first and last time he would play Risk.  He was going crazy.  This game took forever.

With thanks to Stephen Pastis, who is the greatest comic artist ever (since Gary Larson and Bill Watterson retired).

I… Feel Better Already?*

29 12 2009

This will make your cough go away, I promise. Take five lemons, one green apple, three red onions cut in quarters (NOT chopped), one cup of sugar, a lot of cinnamon, and some ginger ale, then cook and reduce into a thick liquid. It’s very important to always use odd numbers: one apple, three onions, five lemons. Never two, never four. Drink the whole thing between now and when you go to sleep tonight, and then don’t drink anything cold tomorrow. Only tea, only hot water. Cold will aggravate the cough. It will work, I guarantee it. My mother in El Salvador used to make this for me. Really, it works.
*Actual reenactment of something that happened to me today…