You Can’t Frape The Willing

30 09 2012

Tim had come home from a relaxing Sunday dinner party with friends, and was looking forward to spending the rest of the evening in the peace and quiet of his own living room.  Getting in the way of this goal was the unfortunate fact that his phone had been constantly beeping with notification messages ever since he had left the party.  Finally checking the phone, Tim discovered that “42 people liked” and “23 people commented on” his wall post on Facebook.  Wall post?  Tim hadn’t been on Facebook in three days, at least.  What was this nonsense all about?  Tim opened his profile, and to his dismay saw a status update that said, “I just shaved part of my body for the first time, go ahead and guess which part…”  What?  How in the dickens did that get there?  Did some little cyber-punk hack into his account?  Thinking back, Tim realized that he had left his phone unattended on the table for two minutes while he went to the bathroom before he had departed the dinner party.  Since he never bothered to sign out of his Facebook, one of his crafty bastard friends must have opened up the internet on his phone and put that there. Whoever it was probably thought they were so bleeping clever. When he found out who did this, somebody was going to pay.

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Bah Humbear

25 12 2011

Tim wasn’t entirely sure that the stockings had been hung with care.  They were  kind of askew, actually, which annoyed him a bit.  And whoever had decorated this tree had apparently forgotten that there were other colors in the rainbow besides red.  But even though someone was seriously deficient in decorating prowess, Tim had decided that he would put aside his opinons and have a good time.  Merry Christmas, everybody.





Actually, All Of These Reasons Are Somewhat Relevant

31 05 2011

You could say that you are busy at work and there is a lot to do around the house.  You could say that the hot weather and humidity are sucking your will to live.  You could say that you are trying to finish knitting that baby blanket before your friend’s kid is too big to use it.  You could say that you’d rather go to a baseball game or drink margaritas or meet friends for trivia night.  Or you could just admit you’ve turned into an uninspired, lazy bastard and that this whole “keeping the blog updated” thing is hard.





The H-Less Wonder Goes to the Washington Auto Show: Mercedes Convertible Edition

9 02 2011

As Tim sat perched on this gorgeous red Mercedes, staring wistfully at the smooth leather interior, he wondered if he were old enough to have a mid-life crisis.  This car would be the perfect ride to help him recapture his lost youth.  And pick up chicks.





If You Can’t Control Yourself, You Deserve The Hangover

1 01 2011

It appeared that Annabella had enjoyed herself last night.  At least she had made it home this year, which was an improvement on last year.  At least she’d managed not to lose her keys.  At least she’d made it halfway in the front door.  Maybe next year she’d make it all the way inside.

Happy New Year!  Good luck in 2011!





Tim Stays In A Fancy Hotel, Part 4 (Fin)

12 10 2010

These sheets don’t feel like they have a thread count of a thousand.  Also, I specifically asked for memory foam pillows, and these are definitely filled with feathers.  I should complain, but I’m too comfortable to roll over and pick up the phone.





Tim Stays In A Fancy Hotel, Part 3

5 10 2010

What?  I have to turn the water on myself and pour in my own aromatic salts?  I’m pretty sure someone told me this hotel has a bath butler.  What do you mean he costs extra???