You Have To Sit On It Everyday, So You Should Treat It Well

24 10 2011

Although he had managed to stay afloat relatively well in these troubling economic times, Trojan had begun to take money-saving measures that he never would have considered pre-recession.  You never know when you might need the extra dollars in the checking account, he supposed.  He’d altered his commute schedule so as to avoid peak fares during rush hour in the subway, and all but eliminated the usual mid-day latte run to Starbucks.  He had even (gasp!) started clipping coupons, which did make him feel a little granny-ish, although he was not-so-secretly proud of the fact that he had gotten thirty-seven dollars worth of dish soap, noodles and toothpaste for $19.25 last week at CVS.  If there was one thing he just couldn’t compromise on, however, it was kitty litter.  While Arm & Hammer was the cheaper option, it was also scratchy underpaw and less fragrantly pleasing.  Fresh Step, while the more expensive of the choices, made doing his business more comfortable, and Trojan was of the opinion that there were just some areas where pinching pennies wasn’t worth it.  Given the option of paying a couple bucks for lovely quilted t.p. or wiping your bits with leaves for free, he was willing to bet most people would shell out in the name of comfort.


I Could Swear I Just Heard A Mountain Lion

31 03 2011

While Trojan and Kevin argued over which way the trail went, Pinky fretted.  Kevin said he used to be a boy scout, where he had learned to be an expert at map-reading.  Trojan fired back and asked if he was such a pro, then why had they gotten lost in the first place?  Pinky thought all the arguing was not going to get them home any sooner.  Why had nobody brought a cell phone?  Communing with nature and getting away from society was all well and good and everything until you were in desperate need of some GPS.  As the boys continued to debate among themselves, Pinky heard the ominous sounds of branches snapping and low-pitched growling.  Oh God, they were going to die out here…


12 06 2010

In the hours leading up to the much-hyped USA v. England match, Alistair tried to explain the offsides rule to his American friends, who didn’t appear to know or care that much about football (oh, ahem, excuse me, they call it “soccer” here).  He didn’t really know why he bothered.  What was the point of teaching them the subtle nuances of a game they were just going to forget about after World Cup for the next four years, anyway?  England was going to crush these uncultured former colonists.

Slurp Slurp Slurp

8 04 2010

Trojan had been out all day enjoying the unseasonably hot weather, and nothing had ever tasted so good as the nice long drink from this fountain.  Whoever said cats don’t like water had clearly never met a thirsty feline.

That’s One Sexy Big Cat

13 02 2010

When Trojan had visitors over, they would always ask why he had so many different deodorants in the bathroom.  They weren’t merely “deodorants,” he would have to explain.  They were “body fragrances.”  Trojan liked to be at his best for the ladies, and different ladies liked different scents.  If he was going to the club, he’d put on “Tropic Tiger,” with its exotic blend of volcano oil and dragonfruit, because the ladies on the dancefloor would flock to him if they thought he was from some far-flung locale.  If he was doing something like going to the grocery store, he’d wear “Fresh,” with its hints of dryer sheets and newly mowed grass.  You never knew when you were going to run into a sexy divorcee in the frozen foods aisle, and he knew those desperate housewives liked a man who did chores, or who at least smelled that way.

Poker Night

2 02 2010

Most of the guys had never heard of any of the poker games Tim wanted to play.  “Smack the Bishop”?  “Chase The Lady ‘Round The Ol’ Oak Tree”?  “Fishes Wild?”  Whatever happened to good old Texas Hold’em or five card stud?  Unfortunately, Tim was the only one of them who had a poker set and a big enough apartment for them to all get together in, so they had to play what he wanted, even if everybody was convinced he just made the games up as he went along.

Pub Quiz

26 01 2010

Ok, fine, so technically there were only four members to a team, but Tim and the others were convinced that that other team (who called themselves “Doctor Google,” the cocky bastards) were also cheating.  Porko Puerco and Kevin had both seen the other team’s members using their cell phones in the middle of the quiz, which was strictly forbidden.  Plus, one of  Doctor Google’s members was good friends with the bartender, who wrote the questions every week, and Tim was pretty sure that they were getting answers ahead of time.  If it so happened that Tim and the other members of Team Fuzzypants ever won the quiz, well, they’d deal with the consequences of having five members then.  Until that day, though, they would just drink their pints and try to expose Doctor Google’s cheating ways.