Humor Is The Only Way I Know How To Deal With This

20 01 2017

As Elmo ate his feelings and tried desperately to find something to watch that wasn’t Inauguration-related, he had an epiphany. This whole election debacle wasn’t the result of partisan politics, or Russian hacking, or the willful ignorance of complete and total fuckery by nearly half of the American people. No, it was much simpler than that. Wiping processed cheddar crumbs from his lips and thinking of the Kraft mac and cheese he ate for dinner last night and the Velveeta dip he’d had at that party last week, Elmo realized that Americans love fake orange crap that they know will slowly kill them. This was just the natural but unholy progression of things.





‘Twas the Night Before Thanksgiving

25 11 2015

Larry had a minor claw cramp from apple-peeling. He also had some major anxiety about whether this pie was going to be okay for the feast tomorrow, given that his track record was maybe 50/50 in the dessert department. Last year his crust was too crumbly at Thanksgiving and too soggy at Christmas, and then of course there was that time a few years back that his pie turned out like apple soup in something that somewhat resembled dough. He hoped that the generous sprinkling of bourbon and pats of butter hidden beneath the crust would forgive any potential disasters.


Happy Mother’s Day

11 05 2014

Want to know what’s fun and not at all difficult?  Motherhood.

Ha ha, just kidding.  I actually meant to say painting behind the radiator.




10 11 2013

Princess’ massive schnozz does not make for attractive selfies.  But that doesn’t stop her from posting them anyway.


I Will Always Love The Washington Nationals

14 10 2012

Poor Zim, Hula Girl thought.  2012 had been a banner year for the Washington Nationals, finishing the regular season with the best record in baseball and finally bringing some enthusiasm back for the national pastime in the Capital.  To have their season brought to a halt so brutally in the top of the ninth inning of Game 5 of the NLDS was a crushing blow to many, but as the Nats’ first draft pick way-back-when and the unofficial face of the franchise, could there be anybody else who felt the pain as deeply as Ryan Zimmerman?  Hula Girl could see that though he was trying hard to smile, Ryan’s heart was broken.  Come to me, Ryan, she longed to say to him, and let me take away the hurt.  Let me kiss it all better. That she would have kissed him anyway, regardless of whether or not the Nats were still in the playoffs, was neither here nor there.  


11 10 2012

There’s no witty story today.  Instead, we dedicate this post to the Washington Nationals, who need to win tonight to stay in the playoffs.  And we LOVE the Washington Nationals.  So much so that we named the white Let-Teddy-Win bear Danny Esbearnosa, after our second baseman, who is also from California and kinda Hispanic, like us.  Go Nationals!  Natitude!  Get your red on!  BEAT THE CARDINALS!  STAY IN IT, BOYS!  WE LOVE YOU!

You Can’t Frape The Willing

30 09 2012

Tim had come home from a relaxing Sunday dinner party with friends, and was looking forward to spending the rest of the evening in the peace and quiet of his own living room.  Getting in the way of this goal was the unfortunate fact that his phone had been constantly beeping with notification messages ever since he had left the party.  Finally checking the phone, Tim discovered that “42 people liked” and “23 people commented on” his wall post on Facebook.  Wall post?  Tim hadn’t been on Facebook in three days, at least.  What was this nonsense all about?  Tim opened his profile, and to his dismay saw a status update that said, “I just shaved part of my body for the first time, go ahead and guess which part…”  What?  How in the dickens did that get there?  Did some little cyber-punk hack into his account?  Thinking back, Tim realized that he had left his phone unattended on the table for two minutes while he went to the bathroom before he had departed the dinner party.  Since he never bothered to sign out of his Facebook, one of his crafty bastard friends must have opened up the internet on his phone and put that there. Whoever it was probably thought they were so bleeping clever. When he found out who did this, somebody was going to pay.